When you get entangled in your memories, sooner or later you arrive at your great loves. That’s what happened to me. I recently wrote about the first one, the real one, the breakthrough that showed me how wonderful it is to belong to someone. Which made me realize what a mistake it had been to trade quality for quantity. While I was writing about her, another girl’s memory was already knocking at the door. She was real too, but in a completely different way from the first. The first was a lightning strike; she was the grand prize of a long struggle. Strangely, what came to mind first wasn’t how it began, but how it ended. But that’s another story I’ll have to write someday.
To tell the truth, I don’t even know when and how we met. I don’t remember when I started seeing more in her than just a girl from our circle. But the image lives crystal-clear in my mind: how I spent every afternoon at her place, helping her with her studies, going everywhere together, even accompanying her shopping. Her parents only let her out into the night on weekends with me because I watched over her. I see myself leaving parties just for her sake to walk her home, only to rush back to dance, drink, chase girls. And I see myself kissing someone else, gently caressing another’s body, while thinking only of her.
Probably everyone had such a friend. Perhaps it’s part of that youthful chaos that makes the teenage years so fascinating. But I already knew then that this wasn’t a manageable situation. Sooner or later it would end with a tremendous crash.
I shall be the midnight,
Take you by the hand,
Tear the shirt from your body,
I shall be the bed,
The falling teardrop,
I shall be
The gaze heavy with desire...
Yet still I played my part. I pretended it didn’t hurt when she talked about other boys. As if it didn’t bother me when she appeared hand-in-hand with someone else. When I had to comfort her after some greater romantic disappointment.
Meanwhile, I was certain she felt something for me too, something more than simple friendship. But I couldn’t understand why I received no sign, why she seemed to enjoy tormenting me. This led me to do the worst thing I could have done. I got together with her girlfriend. Not because she attracted me, but because I wanted an answer.
As night rises above me
The accusation won't let me dream
When I close my weary eyes
Your gaze strikes my face
I'm blinded by the fire in your eyes
But slowly the sun rises again
Without you I am nothing
For the next six months we rarely met. We avoided each other. When we occasionally crossed paths, she immediately attacked—me, my current girlfriend, everything. Our encounters became increasingly uncomfortable for everyone, until finally one of our mutual friends sat down to talk with her. I don’t know what he told her, but the next day I received a message to call her.
We sat in a park and talked for a long time. We had much to catch up on. And somehow we continued from where we’d left off. As if the previous six months had never happened. We became friends again, but both of us knew this wasn’t just simple friendship. We didn’t say it aloud, but it hung in the air. Every gesture, every glance meant something different than before.
Then came that summer afternoon. We were preparing for a concert at the DM club. We spent the afternoon at their place, listening to music, talking. She went to take a shower, and I lay down on the sofa, put on headphones, surrendered myself to the music. I waited for her to get ready so we could leave.
Suddenly she was standing before me. With wet hair, in a half-open bathrobe. I couldn’t move from shock, and she was already sitting astride me. She was breathtakingly beautiful. The damp curls falling across her face, her eyes burning with desire, the delicate goosebumps that appeared on her breasts when I grasped her waist… In that moment, time stopped. I knew this was the moment I had been waiting for so long, yet I froze.
- Why are you doing this now? – I asked.
- Kiss me! – she said – If you don’t kiss me now, you never will.
From that point on, I have only one memory. That day was one endless kiss. As if we had melted together. I barely remember the concert. In fact, I don’t even remember what we did the next day. After all, from then on we were a couple. For a long time.
Believe it or not
Now you have died within me
But with one heartbeat you are reborn
You emerge again from terrifying depths
And I almost ache
That you love me again
Don't rule over me, don't hate me
Cling to me, feel yourself floating
Sin with me, pray with me
And hide nothing—this is love